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Ravings of a Lunatic

Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a Q-Tip again!

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FIC: Bad Cop/Badder Cop 1/1 (SG: Atlantis)
Title: Bad Cop/Badder Cop
Author: Dru
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, Surprise/Surprise *evil grin*
Summary: McKay and Sheppard investigate a crime in a way only they could come up with.
Rating: T
Parts: 1/1
Status: Complete
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I do not own Atlantis or anyone on the show. *sigh*
Authors notes & Warnings: I read a challenge (Here http://www.livejournal.com/users/flordeneu/20599.html) thing about writing a slash fic about an Urban Legend and this is the answer to that challenge. Legend I picked: 18. Police fool a criminal into confessing through a ruse involving a photocopier and a colander.


"Rodney calm down! I know we're all addicted to the stuff but the the Daedalus is bringing more on the next trip! It'll be here next week!" John tried to calm Rodney down.

"NO! You don't understand! A week?! I can't function without it for a week! This is a disaster! I'll kill who ever did it if I don't die first!" Rodney shouted pacing across their bedroom.

"Rodney it's coffee, not like life saving medicine or something!"

"Coffee is more important then medicine! We have to get to the bottom of this!"

"And how do you suggest we do that?" John asked sighing.

The grin that appeared on Rodney's face chilled him to the bone.


John rolled his neck sighing. They'd been at this a while. Drag someone in, interrogate them, then get some else repeat at nausea.

Now Rodney had come up with a new plan.


Stackhouse nervously poked his head into the room. He'd heard scary things from everyone else about what Col Sheppard and Dr. McKay had been doing to everyone all day. And Dr. McKay was scary on a GOOD day.

"Uh you wanted to see me Sirs?"

"Yes. Sit." Rodney pointed to the chair sitting in the middle of the room.

Stackhouse gulped and sat down on the chair.

Rodney started circling him glaring his worst 'You are such a idiot, you're lowering my IQ just being near you!' glare.

While Rodney circled John came over and stood stationed arms crossed looking down at Stackhouse. "Now I think you know why we're here Lieutenant."

"Uh...no sir?"

John shook his head. "Don't try that now you know what we're talking about. We want to know where it is."

"Where, what is? Sirs." Stackhouse asked looking bewildered.

"YOU KNOW WHAT! HAND IT OVER!" McKay screamed leaping from his pacing and having to be held back by John from doing bodily harm to the poor marine.

Stackhouse actually squeaked and shrank back.

John whispered something to Rodney and the scientist stalked out of the room snarling.

John turned to glower at Stackhouse but didn't say anything.

Stackhouse mentally whimpered. Why did he come here? Why didn't he stay back home where the scariest thing was the Goul'd or some Jaffa? He could handle that much easier then Dr. McKay or Col. Sheppard!

Dr. McKay came back pushing a cart. He glared at Stackhouse as he began to pull out wires and attach them to Stackhouse.

Oh good god they're going to kill me! Stackhouse shrieked mentally.

"This, is a lie detector. If you lie we'll know it." McKay growled as he slapped a bowl shaped object, trailing wires, onto his head.

Stackhouse gulped. He had no clue what this was all about but he was positive this could lead to nothing but badness.

McKay moved to the cart and started to push buttons in between glaring at him. Sheppard moved in front of him and glowered down at him. "Alright talk. We know you have it. Just tell us where it is and we'll go easy on you."

"No I'm not!" Rodney snapped from behind him.

"McKay! Now Lieutenant. Stackhouse. Rob. Buddy. You know what McKay is capable of. Do you really want that turned on you?"

"N-No sir." Stackhouse said gulping nervously eying up Dr. McKay.

McKay tapped at the machine. "He's telling the truth."

"Good. See how easy this is? Just keep telling us the truth and we'll all et out of here and back to our lives. Now. Where did you put the coffee?"

"I- I don't know what you're talking about sir!"

/HE'S LYING/ Rodney glared and held out the printed out page.

"Stackhouse, Stackhouse, Stackhouse. What did I tell you? We know when you're lying! Now. TELL US WHERE THE COFFEE IS!" Sheppard bellowed like a drill Sargent looming over him.

"I- It's- I gave it to Calvin! He made me do it! He threatened to cut me off!" Stackhouse blurted out cringing.

Rodney and John stared blinking in disbelief. "Calvin? Calvin Kavanaugh? Dr. Calvin Kavanaugh of Atlantis?"

Stackhouse silently nodded keeping his eyes glued to his feet.

"Err....he threatened to cut off your what? Power? Water? Heat? Bathroom?"


Rodney choked had to be whacked on the back by John who was nearly as freaked. "Sex?! With Kavanaugh?!"

"Well I- he- He does this thing with his tongue.... and that thing he does where he hums..."

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW! I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" Rodney screamed covering his ears desperately.

John looked green. "So uh. Let me get this straight. You stole the last of the coffee to keep.....Kavanaugh from cutting off sex with you?"

Stackhouse mutely nodded still staring at his shoes waiting for death to hit him.

"Go. Just go. You've suffered enough already. Speak to Heightmeyer." Rodney ordered still clutching his head in horror.

John rubbed his forehead as Stackhouse skittered out of the room nearly at a run.

"We can not let that little weasel get away with this. He must pay!" Rodney snarled.

"He'll pay. Oh will he pay!" John growled now equally as annoyed as Rodney.


Calvin Kavanaugh hummed happily as he made him self another cup of coffee after his morning shower. "God I'm a genius! I seduced a dumb grunt into stealing the entire supply of coffee for me! Ha! And that loser McKay think that he's a genius. I should be the head scientist. I'm far smarter then anyone else here. Now let's see them function without coffee! After they all screw up even more then normal I can send a report back to the SGC and get them and Weir all fired and have my self placed in charge of the expedition!" He laughed managing to sound frighteningly like a movie Super Villain.

He reached to pull the towel wrapped around his long hair off and frowned when it came lose far easier then normal.

His eyes widened and he screamed as he saw what was in the towel.

His hair. All of it.

He ran to the mirror and screamed louder when he saw his head was as bare and smooth as a pool ball.

On the other side of Atlantis people wondered what was going on and who was being killed.


McKay grinned smugly as he, John, and Dr. Weird watched the video feed from Kavanaugh's room.

"This is recording right?" John asked laughing.

"Of course it is! Who do you think I am? Kavanaugh? He's finished. We now have a taped confession of his crimes. He's gone!" Rodney crowed.

"Well on the record I have to say I'm deeply disappointed in you for this act of immaturity of putting hair remover into Dr. Kavanaugh's conditioner and the both of you are in deep trouble. Off the record? Let's watch it again! And again!" Weird said starting off sternly and ending grinning widely.

John and Rodney grinned. "Right. We're bad. Very bad. We'll have to be punished severely. Now give me a minute to mass e-mail this to everyone in Atlantis then we can watch it again!"

The three giggled evilly as the video of Kavanaugh started again once again confirming why you never, never, NEVER wanted Rodney McKay and John Sheppard mad at you!

The End.

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Found this through the urban legends challenge & just...wow!
This is absolutely fabulous.

*grins* Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!

ooh, you are so on my naughty list! *comforts poor bald kavy*

Almost feel sorry for Kavanaugh - shows that you can't mess with those two coz together, they are a force to be reckoned with ! :)

Heh Nope never wise to mess the two of them! Not good for your health....or sanity! Thanks for reading!

LOL I'm guessing that's a good thing? Hehehe thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I thought the story was really great. The plot was funny, and the revenge was amusing. I liked your characterization of Rodney going crazy over losing his coffee. 11 cups a day will certainly do that to you.

I felt like this story lost some appeal because of a bit of a lack of attention to punctuation and grammar. For example, the Kavanaugh scene with the missing hair had a very long run-on sentence. The paragraph felt too long, which made it difficult to read. (Although the image of Kavanaugh losing all his hair was worth it.)

Also: Rodney sends Stackhouse to Hightimer? I think you may have meant Heightmeyer.

Thanks I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Erm well that's always been my weakness! Not grammar girl! Meh I'll have to work on that... times like this I wish I'd been less flighty back when I was in school!

Oh and thanks! I went though like 15 spellings of her name trying to guess which one was right!

*laughs* this is cute ...



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